Miscommunication & Anger

Taken From: Google

Remember when life was simple and all you wanted to do is grow up? You wanted to be that little bit taller so you could reach something or your life fell apart because a crayon broke and you didn't want it to or your hot dog bun split at the bottom and you couldn't finish your dinner because it wasn't perfect. The day where riding a bike was the biggest hurdle you had to face and you kept saying "I can't do it" and your parents said "Yes you can!" Or you and your best friend fought about everything but the next day you'd be friends because you were able to let things go because you knew you wanted to be BFF's?

"I want to know if there is anyone on this planet that can have an honest argument with someone and know that tomorrow, no matter how mad you guys were you'd still be friends?  No one can have a normal friendship without a few fights here and there and not give up on each other at the first sign of a struggle! What is happening to people??"

In middle school you worry about boys and that first kiss. In high school you're worried that you aren't popular enough or you have to get through your day without being teased or called a liar because your friends heard a rumor and believed it and then wouldn't believe you. You worry about not fitting in and you worry about everything everyone has to say about you. You get pregnant and lose everyone because you're the worst person on the planet for even getting into that situation that no one even cares to think twice about it. You lose that baby and everyone calls you a liar and says that you lied about it all to get attention.

In the real world you think that you have nothing more to worry about and you can move on from the stupid teen years and the stupid teenage things you've done and yet there are still people that can't grow up and move on with things. They have to hate you all their lives because they believed ONE thing and didn't even have the nerve to come to you about it to begin with. They hate you and continue to call you a liar and even if you were a stupid teen and had your reasons (at the time) for doing someone stupid or saying something stupid - you'd think people would grow up and move on and realize that people become adults and they do mature and realize how stupid they were in the past and they just want to move on to.

And then you get married and lose more friends because they're all at a different stage in their lives and stop talking to you. Then you decide to have kids and lose even more friends because the friends you did have seem to think that your life is over and you don't do anything but stay home with your kids and you don't need a life outside of having kids...you're just a parent now.

I've lived all my life chasing after people, apologizing for things that I haven't even done and being sick to my stomach and feeling alone because people don't NEED to hear my side of the story and they just have all the answers.

When I do make friends, one argument ends a friendship. Everyone walks away because their feelings were hurt or they didn't like what I had to say. Guess what? That's what a friend is. You hear what they have to say, get mad, make up and move on from it. You don't just give up on a friendship at the first sign of anger.

I'm not perfect and I make a LOT of mistakes and I put my foot in my mouth and make judgments on a whim just like anyone...but I KNOW what I'm like and I'm trying to change things. I have anxiety/depression and I'm still here fighting everyday to change myself and pick myself up from things that I've gone through in my life. At 17 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 22 wks - he lived for an hour. That messed me up! I've never been the same person, I've never seen life on a positive note and I struggle everyday to get out of bed and put a smile on my face! I don't have any friends and the ones I do have don't fight for a friendship, they just walk away from me.

People say this to me all the time: "if they can walk away that easily, they weren't really your friends to begin with." I hear that all the time, but I'm sure that there's no one who would listen to anyone anymore these days. There is not one person who would hear something and automatically assume the worst of someone before they even talk it through. And when they do talk it through its only to tell them they're lying anyway and you've already made up your mind, but to cure your conscience, you've had that "conversation".

My own family can't put up with me and tell me I'm dramatic and over-emotional. I fight hard everyday to make people understand that I'm not a bad person, but I have issues that I'm trying to fight through and situations that suffocate me to a breaking point and to everyone else it seems like nothing, but to me they're everything.

Some days I feel like I can't get through the day. I can be in a great mood and then at the drop of a hat I can be silent and guarded. I get told to "get over it". Those are the same people that never had to have a child die in their arms. They never had to stare at this little face and feel so many different emotions at the same time and have to live with that everyday. Its easy for people to say "get over it" when they haven't been there to experience it.

I don't talk to people because when I do, they walk away.

I lost a friend yesterday that I barely even knew, I didn't even know if we were friends or if I was just that occasional person she saw. I love seeing them! I deleted her off social media because we're both trying to be Photographers in the same area and I've been helping her out here and there but I felt like I was giving and not receiving and to make a long story short she said all I had to do is come to her and ask and the way I handled it took her back and she ended our friendship.

After telling her what kind of person I am and telling her I still want to be friends and that I never said I didn't want to help her, she still ended the friendship. All of a sudden I'm that kind of person who doesn't want to help someone. All of a sudden I've changed as a person over night because that's how YOU took it?

My attitude? I'm telling you that I'm not good talking to people and you tell me that the way I handled it was not very nice and then you end the friendship and you're pretty much telling me YOU know how to handle situations better than me? I'm so glad your life is so perfect where you wouldn't just delete someone without talking to them, but not everyone knows how to deal with things the way you do. You don't know me, you don't know what I've gone through in my life and you have no idea how I think...you know why? because you won't even get past the fact that I deleted you off social media like social media means that you are lifelong friends until you delete each other and then that's it...there's no line of communication anymore. No phones, no cars, no getting together...NOPE, social media is what defines a friendship these days.

Yes, I jump and I do rash things. I over think things and I jump before knowing things. I get anxious and I freak out over just about anything - but I don't just give up a friendship because we got into a fight.

I hurt her and I insulted her and I apologized. A million times and said my intentions weren't to stop being friends, but that's not good enough. Being mad at me isn't good enough - we can't be friends anymore.

THIS is why I don't talk to people. And I won't ever again. I don't trust anyone to hear what I'm going through and not walk away. My family doesn't listen, why would anyone else? I probably even give P a headache every time I rant and have an "episode".

Its not worth it anymore. I'm just a mom, I don't have friends and I don't want them anymore. If I'm going to be disappointed or disappoint people all the time - then why even bother having a friend to "try" and talk to. Don't ask me things that you won't want to hear the answer to. Don't tell me you want to know me and then once you do walk away.

I have issues that I have to deal with that I have to live with every.day. I lost a baby at 17, 22 wks along. I had to sit and stare at his face and wonder what the hell I did wrong. I had to hear that I lied about to get attention. I got SLAMMED to the ground by people and still do every.single.day. 

Yes, I make a lot of mistakes...big ones, little ones...stupid ones, but I have a big heart and I mean well and I'm sincere when I apologize to someone. If I don't mean it, I don't apologize. I'm stubborn and hard headed sometimes, but I'm overemotional, depressed and feeling alone more days than not.

Not a day goes by I don't cry about something. Not a day goes by that I kick myself for those mistakes and all I want to do is apologize until I can make them go away but I can't have a simple conversation with someone, without pissing someone off or somehow throwing them out of my life and then I sit back and wonder WTF?! Why aren't we friends anymore?

I'm sick of feeling alone, but if this is what I get every time I make friends with people, then I don't need to make the effort to have any. I try so hard to keep friends around and they leave. Guess what? Every one of them have made a lot of mistakes too. All of them have lied too. But I get slammed for what I've done, because its easier for them to blame me for 100% than to take the blame for half. I may have reacted the wrong way in that situation, but my intentions weren't to lose a friend over it. But here we are.

Am I bitter? Yes, because I finally opened up to someone and they ended a friendship that could've been resolved with some communication. But then again, why you read what you want to read and hear what you want to hear, nothing is going to change your mind once its made up.

Do I hate this person? No, because I know that I still hurt someone's feelings whether I meant to or not.

All I can do is shake my head now though and move on. And that's what I'm going to do. I've cried, felt sorry for myself, got angry, cried some more.  And now I'm going to move on.

I'm not a revengeful person and to be honest, I don't even know if I really believe in Karma either (at least not getting the pleasure to see if first hand). I just believe one day they'll realize that I'm not that horrible person they believed I was, but at that point they'll be way too proud to either admit their wrong or I won't be anywhere to be found. And if I was, I would've never given a total stranger (at the time) something valuable without a second thought, but people don't think about those moments where you helped them out or when you saw that they were having a bad day and checked up on them. They only remember how you deleted them off social media and insulted them by it. No matter what you say, it isn't going to change the way someone looks at you. And from that day on, you're always going to be that person they think you are, not the person they could have known by just taking the time to listen and understand what you're going through too.

I started watching One Tree Hill about a month or so ago and I'm almost finished. I always envy those relationships, but I get angry about how they portray the friendships as well. They all go through terrible things with each other, they lie to each other, they keep things from each other so they don't hurt them, they're on drugs and treat others like crap...etc. But yet...no matter how long they're mad at each other, they always become friends again. MAGICALLY. Lets all jump into Hollywood and be like them, because they know what real friendships are.

I'm done with writing because its giving me a headache going through everything all over again. I have one friend that I know won't walk away from me just because they're angry. Who won't just toss me to the side, because they don't like my opinions or because I said something honest. I either get called a liar or I'm too honest. People can't have me both ways. You either like the fact that I'm honest with you or have a friendship based on lies. Even though people always walk away, I'd rather them know that I'm an honest person in the end, but I have feelings, emotions and problems too. And sometimes all I need is a little support back once in awhile.


Christmas at Snail Speeds

Other than your typical family stuff, we've been slowly getting ready for Christmas. Normally at this time of year, we would've had the tree up since November 15th, all the decorations hung and all out there and we would've had some things bought for the kids by now too. The only thing I got was both of P's Christmas presents and somehow I conned myself into giving them to him early. I know! Lucky husband, not so lucky wife. I have to find something for him to at least open for Christmas day. Apparently he got me something and he lost it and found it again (which is nice). Now all we have to do is figure out how many things each little lady is getting this year...and get it. Sounds easy? Noooot so much!

This year we're going snail speeds and probably going to be those last minute shoppers who get frustrated because you want to finish your shopping without those long annoying lines we all love to hate around this time of year.

I honestly have no idea what we're suppose to get E this year. S is pretty straight forward and easy and still doesn't understand the whole Christmas idea anyway - but this year is an important one for E. She gave us so many ideas and even though I may be able to remember a couple of them, I have no idea what's going to make her the happiest this year. Since S has come, its been kinda light for Christmas around here. We're thankful to family who make it much more for the girls where we can't. E has started the "That's it? That's all I get?" attitude and we nip it in the butt every time she does it, but it still doesn't feel good when you hear it. You just wish you could give your child certain things they ask for without having to worry about anything else. Even if we had all the money in the world or were comfortable, we still wouldn't give them EVERYTHING they wanted, because that's just not how life is. You just be thankful for what you have and then if you get something better in the long run, you can love it and be thankful you got that too. We want our girls to know what having something special feels like, not what greed feels like.

I injured my knee 6 yrs ago and even now I still have a bunch of issues with it. More so when the weather gets cold. My knee locks up and sometimes I lose my balance because it gives way on me. I try and stay indoors as much as possible in the colder months and tend to hibernate a lot. Today I'm feeling the tightness build in my knee and its a little painful, all because I have a chill in my body. I took a hot shower to loosen it a bit and now I'm going to sit in the living room with some hot chocolate and a blanket and lounge until E gets home, now that S is napping.

I always make my bed and today has just been one of those days where I literally got up, went downstairs and didn't think about it again. I'll do that when I have to go upstairs again. Tomorrow is cleaning day. Cleaning day isn't the same day in our house every week, its just a day I choose not to be lazy, I get up and put my mind to only cleaning until I'm done and I can wait another week before it needs to be done again. Friday is definitely the clean sheets night and THE best night of the week! That day is always the same unless something happens and it needs to be done more than once a week or if I miss a Friday and do it on the weekend.

I'm going to enjoy my quiet time in front of the TV with my hot chocolate and blanket before E gets home and S needs to get up.


Depression is NOT a Mental Illness

I found this on my Facebook feed this morning and even though I've already shared it twice on there, I'm sharing it on here too because this is where I write and de-stress and this is my personal space to put whatever struggles as a wife, woman or parent that I may have. Please check it out - its not just for people who are struggling with Depression, Anxiety, Addiction...etc. its also for those of you who may not understand completely what we go through every day.

Photo Credit: Google

Its not really something we can walk through and tell people. Its even worse if you're the type of person who can't talk to people the way you would like to. There are days where the anxiety builds to the point of anger and frustration and after you've just lashed out on someone, you fall down and cry because you know the damage is done. You see the anger while its happening and even though you may not be angry for any particular reason, you still feel like you need to continue that anger until its all out of your system.

Its worse when you have a(an) child(ren), because even though sometimes they egg you on to the point of frustration, this frustration can be so much worse for them. I have had my moments where I've completely just came down on E for (looking back) what was completely nothing, but the anxiety just builds up, you get frustrated and feel closed in like there's nowhere you can go to get away from this feeling and then you just...explode. Its in those moments you send your child(ren) upstairs to their bedroom so you can calm down and then you fall to the ground and start crying because you've completely just tore that child apart because of one of your..."episodes". I know from experience...its probably THE worst feeling in the world. When you've completely lashed out on your child, you see yourself doing it, but yet you have to get it all out because the anxiety is so high and then all is said and done...you feel like utter crap! There's no other words to describe that, you're THE world's worst parent...

...but you know what makes you the strongest person in that moment?

Going up the stairs to your child(ren)'s bedroom, sitting down and giving them the biggest hug you could possibly give them...and apologize. Even if you're going to do it another 10 times that day. You apologize every.single.time you've done it without there being a real reason to.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments that NEED to be dealt with and moments that shouldn't have happened, but those moments are different and you know the difference.

These moments don't only happen with your child(ren). These moments can happen when you feel like everything in your world is piling up and you feel like you're suffocating. You feel like there's no end and you feel alone. These moments can also fade your judgement and you know that 90% of all the issues could be solved if you were a little less frustrated and you used a little more communication.

Some days you kick yourself because you want to better yourself and you want to smile and let everything roll off your shoulders. Some days you can, but that can either change drastically that same day or only lasts a couple. Sometimes you feel like you could be happier and you think to yourself that you've got everything you ever wanted - Why aren't I happier? Why isn't it good enough? Other times you know (in your mind) that one day its going to come to an end and you're going to lose it all because of one little "episode". Even trying to push people away so it happens faster.

If I could speak for all of us who have something holding us back or keeping us feeling stuck in the same place over and over again. I think that it would be to be patient with that person. Give them support and don't EVER let them push you away. Keep fighting because one of the worst things you could do is leave them feeling more alone than they do already or tell them that they're dramatic or that they're a liar.

We know that it can't be easy living with us being so topsy-turvy or unpredictable - but its not easy for us either living with something we can't control.

Like the article says, if you've never experienced having a tail...how are you going to know what it feels like to grab onto things with it or swing it around? You also can't just call in sick - you have to force yourself to face the day and sometimes, those things are not as easy as just getting out of bed. Sometimes our children's giggles and smiles are what keeps the sun shining in our world a little more or a soft kiss or cuddles from a special someone or even just someone checking in on you once in awhile and ask "hey, how're you doing today?"

The world is always busy and mixed up with their own problems...but sometimes we all need to take a step back and see how someone else is doing for a change. The smallest gesture from someone means the world to someone else.

Sometimes people are sorry for the mistakes they've made in the past or for the stupid things they said and they don't know how to say sorry and if they do, they're scared of what you'll say to them or they're scared that it'll make them look stupid after so long. I say give them a second chance! A lot of people think you shouldn't live in the past, but I think its their way of running away from the mistakes they've made themselves. I don't think you should punish yourself because of the past, but reliving it once in awhile to apologize may just make someone feel good and see that you've been thinking about them for awhile.

In conclusion, I never thought I would have to deal with anything like this nor did I even know until I had E and I know what its like to feel alone and have no one to talk to. On the good days, I see that I have 3 wonderful people in my life that understand - no matter how crazy mom is sometimes, that she means well, she's got a big heart and she would never do anything to hurt them on purpose. But to those same 3 people I apologize for what I say/do and I know it isn't fair and that you all don't deserve any most of it! ;p I try everyday to not be that horrible person in your life and yet somehow I seem to fall back into that category every time.

I honestly thank the person who wrote this article. Its not often where you see an article that has such an impact on people. It certainly had an impact on me.


1 yr 3 months (Nov.3)

  • walking around tables
  • putting hands on floor and standing up from sitting position
  • according to big sister, she attempted to walk to her but we haven't seen that yet
  • S walks holding our hands, its always been E's dream to be able to walk with her sister...she finally gets to do that and she's loving every minute of it. She even goes as far as to ask her if she wants to walk with her after school!
  • understands questions (ie. do you want your cup? do you want to look out the window?...etc.)
  • every morning she still wants to look out the window - we look at the bare tree and she points saying "what's that?" and I tell her its the tree and then I ask her "where did all the leaves go?" and she points to the ground to show me that they have fallen.
  • she's constantly saying "what's that?" about everything. Its one of the only words she knows besides names, so she's always pointing asking "what's that?" a million times a day! lol
  • had chocolate for the first time
  • plays by herself for 10 minutes at a time before she wants to come see me
  • she acts like she yelling and then laughs after
  • S found the cupboards and she's constantly opening/closing them and she'll stand there for 10 minutes just doing that
  • she loves music - always looking at me with a huge smile when it comes on and then looks back and dances
  • we've taught her how to "head bang" - she lifts her head up (with her eyebrows) and then she puts her head down quickly - that's the extent to her head bangs right now ;)
  • loves to colour with E
  • finally getting used to the vacuum
  • she hits to get a reaction out of people (mainly her big sister)
  • if we say "gentle" she pets and smiles as to say sorry/gentle
  • S will walk over to us and put her head down on our leg randomly while she's walking around just to stop and give us that little hug/affection
  • S is a busy body, but she stops to cuddle a couple times a day
  • fizz doesn't scare her :/
  • obsessed with rocks (my rocks)
  • doesn't like time-outs (1 minute)
  • loves peanut butter sandwiches & pasta (not together) :)
  • cat & the hat, peg + cat & dinosaur train seem to be her favorite shows at the moment
  • she scrunches her face and breathes through her nose (funniest thing ever)
  • she has small temper tantrums
  • S gives the "lowered eyebrows" when she doesn't get something she wants
  • she finally likes drinking water
  • she has an obsession with standing in front of the stairs
  • S can say "ShaSha", "Dada", "NuNu", the occasional "MaMa", "whas thah?"
  • she crawls faster than a speeding bullet ;)
  • she sucks in her mouth (fishy face) making a POP noise when she kisses with her eyebrows up and her eyes wide (funniest thing ever)
S goes for her doctor's appointment soon, so I'll update her appointment in another post.


Life Lately

Truth be told, its been crazy busy around here until last Sunday. I have been writing posts here since the last long weekend that we had (Thanksgiving) and then it all either went on the back burner or left as a draft until I had literally 5 different drafts that I never got to finish and publish. They were mainly finished posts that I simply had to edit and now they're old enough to not be used unless combining in this post.

Everything's pretty much been a blur the last 4 months. Until the last couple of weeks when we decided that enough is enough and D had to find a new home. I've been a mess the last couple weeks. Enough where we put up 3 different ads and the third was when we finally decided that that was it. A woman named H found us and we decided to give her a chance. After telling her all about him, H wanted to make things official and meet him - finding out that she was coming from Napanee! We thought at first she was coming from Ottawa, but Napanee is still a good 3-4 hours from here.

We made plans for her to come Sunday. Saturday we took him out to enjoy our last family walk with us. I cried all day. P got some photos of him and I while we were out and they're just perfect! I'm planning on framing a couple, but here are a few he took for me:

Anyway, Sunday came and I was again a mess. Trying to get out all the tears before she showed up. H called us at 1 to let us know she was running late and that she would be here at 230 pm. I loved that we had more time with him, but it was only prolonging the goodbye.

She rang the doorbell and I went into the kitchen as tears flooded my face. Right away she asked where I was and P told her that I was trying to compose myself.

As soon as H and I turned the corner, she grabbed me and gave me a big hug! We talked to her and she told us some more about her plans and showed us the few things she bought for him on the way. H had her mom with her because she wanted to come along for the drive from Whitby.

On their way out she said she needed to take him for a good walk before she left and wanted to know if I wanted to go along with her. I brought E with me while P stayed back with napping S.

We left and E got to walk him most of the way until she couldn't anymore because it was cold/windy. We talked about little things while I tried to hold back the tears. And finally before I knew it we were back at the house. I started to cry and she asked if I wanted to hold him and I said yes. I grabbed him and hugged so tight and I told him it would be okay. He wouldn't relax the whole walk and was even more bewildered now until I grabbed him and he settled down. E gave him some treats and when he went back into the crate she put her hand up to the crate bars and he licked her hand (while I was sobbing in the background) and then I did the same. She gave us both a hug again for the millionth time and told us again that she would keep in contact and send photos/videos. And finally I ended the goodbye and let her leave.

While E and I were talking up the stairs to the front door, E was looking back at her SUV and as we got up to the door, she was crying too. I got her inside and we both fell to the floor and I just hugged her so hard and we cried together. 

Once P got up the stairs, I went to my bedroom and locked the door just to have a few minutes to myself. P came in to calm me down and E came shortly after that to make sure I was okay (she wasn't crying anymore). Once I calmed down, we all decided to go for ice cream and get out of the house and took my sister with us.

When we got home it was silent. We forgot how good our other dog was by herself. No barking, no nothing.
After that we got the girls in bed and I cried a bit more that night. 8 pm H calls for an update and told us the drive went well and he's settling in just fine. I gave her a few pointers about D as well (ie. if you can't find him - he may be under your bed, don't leave food/drinks on the table and walk away because he's sneaky and he'll quietly grab it - my coffee included...etc.)

I emailed H the next morning just to tell her I hope she had a good first nit with him, and she replied back giving another update and making sure she told me that all my hard work was worth it and that the base work that we did with him, made it easier for her to start.

I woke up Monday morning feeling a huge relief like I knew I would, but it still feels so lonely in here. For 4 months I was running around non-stop not having time to breathe and in one day it was all gone. My heart is still breaking, but I know it was the best thing for us. My sanity was a little more important than having him here, but I feel like I let everyone down. 

P doesn't know if he wants more kids and some days I don't know either. I know parts of me still want to see how it goes and maybe have one more, but P seems content with S being the last. There are days that thought will make me cry and there are other days I sit and think maybe it'll be better if we don't. At this point when E turns 20, we'll be 42 & when S is 20, we'll be 46. Good ages to be able to travel even though if we had another, we would aim for it to be about the same time S came (almost 4 years apart) so we'd be 50 when the third would turn 20. It all depends on where we'll be in 3 years. If we do/don't decide to have another either way we won't get another dog until our last child is in school. At least I'll be home and be able to just focus on one thing as opposed to fifty things at once. I won't have the dog getting into the garbage as a toddler is pouring food all over herself. I find it easier to split my time with two kids at different stages of life than it is splitting my time between a dog/toddler.

Even though I blame myself for having to give this dog away, I know that if the roles were reversed and P was home- he wouldn't be able to either.

That being said. I have more time to spend on my family, business and house and I can't believe how a small part of our lives made such a huge impact while he was here. I wasn't ready to take on a huge responsibility while I have a toddler running around exploring and getting into things, but I miss him more than I can explain on a post and I'm just happy things are quiet now and that we found such an awesome family to take care of him. Plus, we get updates which makes it a whole lot better! ;)


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